Why Some Leaders Feel Scary
I’m excited about this one. In a coaching session today, I finally uncovered an answer to a question I’ve wrestled with for years: why are some leaders scary? Why are there leaders you don’t want to fail in front of—leaders who unintentionally push people into playing small and clinging to the status quo? It’s not always because they’re harsh or cold. The real reason is subtler, and understanding it can transform the way you lead. This is the kind of insight we explore in Leadership Presentation Coaching and executive presence coaching sessions all the time.
Story Structure: Who, Problem, Goal, Hero
Every time you communicate as a leader, you’re telling a kind of story. There is someone at stake—your team, your client, your organization. They face a problem or a “not-so-great” situation. There’s a better future you’re aiming for. And something has to happen to move from the problem to the goal. Whoever drives that movement is the hero of the story.
As a leader, you’re telling this story constantly: who we are, what’s not working, where we’re going, and how we’ll get there. And the emotional tone you use in each part determines whether you feel inspiring, supportive, or unintentionally intimidating. This is where tools from leadership presence coaching, Presence Coaching, and leadership confidence training play a huge role.
The Emotional Color Wheel: Happy, Sad, Mad
If we simplify emotions into three primaries, we get:
- Happy – optimism, celebration, hope, painting a compelling future.
- Sad – empathy, humanity, connecting with shared disappointment or struggle.
- Mad – conviction, firmness, that energizing “let’s go” momentum (not anger—determination).
Each emotional tone has a place in leadership communication. And mastering them is part of developing strong business speaking and senior leadership presentation coaching.
Where Scary Leaders Go Wrong
Here’s the insight: scary leaders put mad energy in the wrong place. They bring stern, hard-edged conviction into the beginning of the story—the part where empathy belongs. That swaps accountability for shame.
Picture a leader saying, “We had a goal. I looked at the numbers. We failed. Here’s what we’re going to do.” If that opening comes with a stern tone, it lands as, “You let me down.” The team feels judged instead of guided. Shame doesn’t make people brave; it makes them cautious. It stops them from taking risks—the opposite of what real leadership hopes to inspire.
Rewiring Your Emotional Sequence
Now imagine the same message, but with emotions aligned to the story arc:
- Beginning (sad): “We’ve all been working hard. I looked at the numbers, and we’re not there yet. I know you’re disappointed—I am too.”
- Middle (mad): “Here’s what we’re going to do to turn this around. Here’s the action we’ll take.”
- End (happy + mad): “If we step up together, I believe we can fix this. Let’s go.”
Now your team feels seen, supported, directed, and motivated. This emotional sequence is foundational to strong communication and is a skill we strengthen through group presentation coaching, interview skills training for professionals, and presentation support.
Be the Leader People Want to Follow
The pattern is simple:
- Beginning: empathic “sad” energy.
- Middle: firm “mad” action.
- End: motivating “happy + mad” conviction.
Scary leaders flip the first two and accidentally shame their teams. Great leaders guide with empathy, act with determination, and inspire with optimism. When you follow this emotional sequence, you become a leader people are willing to take risks for—even if failure is possible—because they know you’re with them, not against them. This is the heart of building a truly confident presence as a leader.
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